INARA: It sounds like the sort of thing this crew can handle. I can’t guarantee they’ll handle it particularly well, but — NANDI: If they got guns, and brains at all… INARA: They have guns.

Inara: But perhaps the dining area isn’t the place for this sort of thing? Mal: What do you mean? Only place with a table big enough. Inara: Of course. In that case… (rearranges guns) Every well-bred petty crook knows…the small concealable weapons always go to the far left of the place setting.

River: Noah’s Ark is a problem. Book: Really. River: We’ll have to call it early quantum state phenomenon — Only way to fit five-thousand species of mammal on the same boat.

MAL: Fully loaded, safety off. This here’s a recipe for unpleasantness. Does she understand that? RIVER: She understands. She doesn’t comprehend. MAL: Well, I’m glad we’ve made that distinction. No touching guns. Okay?

“Two by two, hands of blue”

“No power in the verse can stop me.”

“I can kill you with my brain.”

(Holding gun) “It doesn’t mean what you think.”

“Sir, I think you have a problem with your brain being missing.”

Mal: “Well, look at this. Appears we got here just in the nick of time! What does that make us?” Zoe: “Big Damn Heroes, Sir!”

HARKEN: You fought with Captain Reynolds in the war? ZOE: Fought with a lot of people in the war. HARKEN: And your husband? ZOE: Fight with him sometimes, too.

Zoe: “Captain will come up with a plan.” Kaylee: “That’s good. Right?” Zoe: “Possibly you’re not recalling some of his previous plans.”

Zoe: You sanguine about the kinda reception we’re gonna get? Mal: Absolutely. What’s sanguine? Zoe: Hopeful. Plus, point of interest, it also means bloody. Mal: Well, that pretty much covers all the options, now don’t it?

“Next time we smuggle stock, let’s make it something smaller.” “Yeah, we should start dealing in those black market beagles.” — Zoe and Wash

Tracy: ‘When you can’t run, you crawl… and when you can’t crawl, when you can’t do that–’ Zoe: ‘You find someone to carry you.’

WASH: Grenades? ZOE: Oh, yes. Thank you, dear.

SIMON: That decision saved your life. ZOE: Won’t happen again, sir.

Mal: Ship like this, be with you until the day you die. Zoe: That’s because it’s a deathtrap.

ZOE: “Sir, you don’t want to deal with Patience again.” MAL: “What? Why?” ZOE: “Sir, she shot you.”

Kaylee: These girls have the most beautiful dresses. And so do I — how about that? Mal: Yeah, well, just be careful. We cheated Badger out of good money to buy that frippery, and you’re supposed to make me look respectable. Kaylee: Yes, sir, Captain Tightpants.

Kaylee: You mean to say as in… sex? Simon: I mean to say. Kaylee: Well, hell with this. I’m gonna live!

Kaylee: “I carried such a torch and we coulda…. Goin’ on a year now and I ain’t had nuthin’ twixt my nethers that weren’t run on batteries!!” Mal: “Oh GOD! I can’t know that!” Jayne: “I could stand to hear a little more.”

“A government is a body of people, usually notably ungoverned.”

ZOE: Preacher, don’t the Bible have some pretty specific things to say about killing? BOOK: Quite specific. It is, however, a mite fuzzier on the subject of kneecaps.

MAL: Gotta say, doctor, your talent for alienatin’ folk is near miraculous. SIMON: Yes, I’m very proud.

“I’m sorry, dad. You know I would never have tried to save River’s life if I had known there was a dinner party at risk.”

Simon: What…happened in here? Jayne: Needed to find some tape. Simon: So you had to tear my infirmary apart? Jayne: Apparently. Simon: My god — you’re like a trained ape. Without the training.

Jayne: Well, Jayne ain’t a girl. She starts in on that “girl’s name” thing, I’ll show her good an’ all I got man parts. Simon: I’m trying to think of a way for you to be cruder. I just – It’s not coming.

Early: [refering to River] Where’d she go? Simon: I can’t keep track of her when she’s not incorporeally possessing a spaceship. Don’t look at me.

Simon: I’m trying to put this as delicately as I can… How do I know you won’t kill me in my sleep? Mal: You don’t know me, son. So let me explain this to you once: If I ever kill you, you’ll be awake, you’ll be facing me, and you’ll be armed. Simon: Are you always this sentimental? Mal: Had a good day.

He’s really very… gentle… and fuzzy. We’re becoming fast friends.

“Well, my sister’s a ship; we had a complicated childhood.”

“You know what the chain of command is? It’s the chain I go get and beat you with until you understand who’s in ruttin’ command here.”

“What’d you all order a dead guy for?”

“You guys started a riot? On account of me?”

Jayne: Well, Jayne ain’t a girl. She starts in on that “girl’s name” thing, I’ll show her good an’ all I got man parts. Simon: I’m trying to think of a way for you to be cruder. I just – It’s not coming.

WASH: Yes, Jayne. She’s a witch. She has had congress with the beast. JAYNE: She’s in Congress? WASH: How did your brain even learn human speech? I’m just so curious.

Jayne: “Hell, I’ll kill a man in a fair fight, or if I think he’s gonna start a fair fight, or if he bothers me, or if there’s a woman, or if I’m gettin paid; mostly only when I’m gettin paid. But eating people alive, when does that get fun?”

Kaylee: “I carried such a torch and we coulda…. Goin’ on a year now and I ain’t had nuthin’ twixt my nethers that weren’t run on batteries!!” Mal: “Oh GOD! I can’t know that!” Jayne: “I could stand to hear a little more.”

“Time for some thrilling heroics!”

“Sir? I’d like you to take the helm, please. (re: Wash) I need this man to tear all my clothes off.” WASH: Work, work, work…

Zoe: I know something ain’t right. Wash: Sweetie, we’re crooks. If everything were right, we’d be in jail.

“I wanna go to the crappy town where I’m a hero!”

WASH (alarmed): Oh my god. What can it be? We’re all doomed! Who’s flying this thing!? (deadpan) Oh right, that would be me. Back to work.

“Next time we smuggle stock, let’s make it something smaller.” “Yeah, we should start dealing in those black market beagles.” — Zoe and Wash

“Every planet has its own weird customs. About a year before we met, I spent six weeks on a moon where the principal form of recreation was juggling geese.”

Mal: I’m getting a little weary of this attitude, Wash. Wash: Are you? Well, I’m so very sorry, sir. I guess the news that we’re all gonna be purple and bloated and fetal in a few hours has made me a bit snippy.

“Hey! I’ve been in a firefight before. Well, I was in a fire. Actually, I was fired. From a fry cook opportunity. I can handle myself.”

ZOE: Is there any way I’m gonna get out of this with honor and dignity? WASH: You’re pretty much down to ritual suicide, lambie-toes.

“Were I unwed, I would take you in a manly fashion.”

WASH: Little River just gets more colorful by the moment. What’ll she do next? ZOE: Either blow us all up or rub soup in her hair. It’s a toss-up. WASH: I hope she does the soup thing. It’s always a hoot, and we don’t all die from it.

WASH: Yes, Jayne. She’s a witch. She has had congress with the beast. JAYNE: She’s in Congress? WASH: How did your brain even learn human speech? I’m just so curious.

WASH: I mean, I’m the one she swore to love, honor and obey. MAL: Listen… She swore to obey? WASH: Well, no, not… But that’s just my point! You she obeys! She obeys you! There’s obeying going on right under my nose!

WASH: This is gonna get pretty interesting. MAL: Define interesting. WASH: “Oh god oh god, we’re all gonna die”?

“Can I make a suggestion that doesn’t involve violence? Or is this the wrong crowd?”

“I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar.”

“Can we start with the part where Jayne gets knocked out by a 90 pound girl? Because that’s *never* getting old.”

“They don’t like it when you shoot at them…I worked that one out myself!”

Mal to Bendis: “We’re not gonna die. We can’t die, Bendis, and you know why? Because we are so very pretty. We are just too pretty for God to let us die.”

Mal: “If anyone gets nosy, just…you know… shoot ‘em.” Zoe: “Shoot ‘em?” Mal: “Politely.”

Jayne: Captain, can you stop her from being cheerful please? Mal: I don’t believe there’s a power in the verse can stop Kaylee from being cheerful. Sometimes you just wanna duct tape her mouth and dump her in the hold for a month.

“Jayne, your mouth is talking. You might wanna look to that.”

Simon: “I was just wondering what his job is, on the ship…” Mal: “Public relations.”

“They tell you: never hit a man with a closed fist. But it is, on occasion, hilarious.”

“Shouldn’t you be off bringing religiosity to the fuzzy-wuzzys or some such?

“And Kaylee, what the hell’s goin’ on in the engine room? Were there monkeys? Some terrifying space monkeys maybe got loose?

INARA: What did I say to you about barging into my shuttle? MAL: That it was manly and impulsive? INARA: Yes, precisely. Only the exact phrase I used was “don’t”.

Mal: “Well, look at this. Appears we got here just in the nick of time! What does that make us?” Zoe: “Big Damn Heroes, Sir!”

MAL: Okay, help me find our man. He’s supposed to be old, kinda stocky, wears a red sash crossways. KAYLEE: Why does he do that? MAL: Maybe he won the Miss Persephone Pageant.

Harrow: “I know him. And I think he’s a psychotic lowlife.” Mal: “And I think calling him that is an insult to the psychotic lowlife community.”

Mal: “Soon as we unload, she can holler until our ears bleed. Although I would take it as a kindness if she didn’t.” River: “The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems.” Mal: “See, morbid and creepifying, I got no problem with, long as she does it quiet-like.”

Zoe: You sanguine about the kinda reception we’re gonna get? Mal: Absolutely. What’s sanguine? Zoe: Hopeful. Plus, point of interest, it also means bloody. Mal: Well, that pretty much covers all the options, now don’t it?

Mal: “Cut her down.” Patron: “The girl is a witch.” Mal: “Yeah, but she’s our witch.” (cocks gun) “So cut her the hell down.”

MAL: Gotta say, doctor, your talent for alienatin’ folk is near miraculous. SIMON: Yes, I’m very proud.

SIMON: “So finally a decent wound on this ship, and I miss out. I’m sorry.” MAL: “Well, you were busy trying to get yourself lit on fire. It happens.”

“Well, my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle.”

“Now think real hard. You been bird-doggin’ this township a while now, they wouldn’ mind a corpse o’ you. Now you can luxuriate in a nice jail cell, but if your hand touches metal, I swear by my pretty floral bonnet I will end you.”

“It’s my estimation that every man ever got a’statue made of him was one kind of sommbitch or another.”

Jayne: What are you takin’ it so personal for? It ain’t like I ratted you out to the feds. Mal: But you did. You turn on any of my crew, you turn on me. Next time you decide to stab me in the back… have the balls to do it to my face.

“Ah, the pitter patter of tiny feet in huge combat boots.”

ZOE: (stopping Jayne) This is something the Captain needs to do for himself. MAL: (muffled) No – it’s not! ZOE: Oh… (excessive gunfire ensures)

Niska : You died, Mr. Reynolds. Mal (groggily) : Seemed like the thing to do.

MAL: It’s a difficult mission – but you and I have to get it on. ZOE: I understand. We have no choice. Take me, sir. Take me hard. JAYNE: Now that’s just downright unsettlin’.

“Okay, um..I’m lost. Uh.. I’m angry!,…and I’m armed.”

SAFFRON: Durran… this isn’t what it looks like. MAL: Unless it looks like we’re stealing your priceless Lassiter. ‘Cause that’s what we’re doing. Don’t ask me about the gun though, ’cause that’s new. DURRAN: Well, I appreciate your honesty. Not, y’know, a lot, but…

INARA: I’m not sleeping with you, Mal. MAL: Uh, no, I think I would have noticed if you were. My keenly trained… senses would have…

SAFFRON: We gotta move fast. MAL: Yeah, he might come back and hug us in the act.

“This ain’t no Wobbly-Headed Doll Caper!”

“A working man. Struggling to get by with the barest necessities on his private floating island…”

Zoe: First rule of battle, little one, don’t ever let ‘em know where you are. Mal: Whee-hee! I’m right here! I’m right here!

MAL: This is my first mate, Zoe. I’ll introduce you to the rest in a bit. They’re good folk. JAYNE: Can I start getting sexed already? MAL: Well, that one’s kind of horrific.

MAL: Fully loaded, safety off. This here’s a recipe for unpleasantness. Does she understand that? RIVER: She understands. She doesn’t comprehend. MAL: Well, I’m glad we’ve made that distinction. No touching guns. Okay?

JAYNE: (sipping tea) This ain’t bad. BADGER: There’s a trick to it: wood-alcohol. MAL: Now we’re favored guests… treated to the finest in beverages that make you blind. So what is it you need?

Simon: I’m trying to put this as delicately as I can… How do I know you won’t kill me in my sleep? Mal: You don’t know me, son. So let me explain this to you once: If I ever kill you, you’ll be awake, you’ll be facing me, and you’ll be armed. Simon: Are you always this sentimental? Mal: Had a good day.

“Don’t you ever stand for that sort of thing. Someone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill ‘em right back! … You got the right same as anyone to live and try to kill people. ”

“Doctor, I’m taking your sister under my protection here. If anything happens to her, anything at all, I swear to you I will get very choked up. Honestly, there could be tears.”

“Way I remember, an albatross was a ship’s sign of good luck, ’till some idiot killed it.” (to Inara) “Yes, I’ve read a poem, try not to faint.”

Mal: “This is the captain. We have a little problem with our entry sequence, so we may experience some slight turbulence and then… explode. ” Jayne: “We’re gonna explode? I dont want to explode!”

Mal: You wanna run this ship? Jayne: Yes. Mal: Well..you – you can’t!

“Dear Buddha, please bring me a pony and a plastic rocket…”

“I aim to misbehave.”

Kaylee: “I carried such a torch and we coulda…. Goin’ on a year now and I ain’t had nuthin’ twixt my nethers that weren’t run on batteries!!” Mal: “Oh GOD! I can’t know that!” Jayne: “I could stand to hear a little more.”

And you never seen a man more proud of his moustache than Colonel Obrin. I mean, in all my life , I will never love a woman the way this officer loved that lip ferret.

“Y’all see the man hangin’ out of the spaceship with the really big gun? I’m not saying you weren’t easy to find. But it was kinda out of our way, and he didn’t want to come. Man is lookin to kill some folk. So really it’s his will y’all should be worry about thwarting.”

“Love. You can know all the math in the ‘Verse, but take a boat in the air you don’t love, she’ll shake you off just as sure as the turning of worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she oughta fall down, tells ya she’s hurtin’ ‘fore she keens. Makes her home.”

Mal: I’ve staked my crew’s life on the theory that you’re a person, actual and whole, and if I’m wrong you’d best shoot me now… [River cocks the gun she is pointing at Mal] Mal: Or, we could talk more.